My concern is that I want a better knowledge that the things I believe in are true. I’m no too sure how to recognize the answers to my prayers. It’d be great if I could have an angel visit me to tell me these things are true, I believe that it could happen, but I don’t think it will happen. I know that mostly the Spirit will, for me I think, give me a reassurance that this Church is true. I don’t quite know how to explain, but I just think or believe, maybe even feel that it is right. I think my problem is that I don’t want to just believe anymore, I want to know! I want to know with the perfect knowledge that Nephi had and that the Brother of Jared gained. I want to know! I feel like my prayers are answered with general answers I already know. I pray to know the Book of Mormon is true and no great sign, no strong feelings. I just have the thought that they are true. The same with all other questions asked in prayer. I already know the answer because I’ve been told it a million times. I want a personal witness, something not normal. Not so that I’ll believe, I already do, but so that I can have a perfect knowledge. Every time I think this though, I also think that God answers in his own ways and own times; that I should bear with it; believe until the end with all my heart, for then shall I have a perfect knowledge.

I believe I shall receive when I ask. I just don’t know what to look for, or what I should feel.

I guess I doubt whether everything is true. But I don’t believe myself when I say I don’t believe. My instinct to believe that everything is true is greater than my doubt that they aren’t. I just want to know! I believe and hope that that day will come. I just need to wait for when the Lord says it’s time. I just wish it were now, though.

Heute war sehr gut. Es ist vier woche für uns. Wir sollen  nur Deutsch sprechen. Aber mein Distrikt ist nicht so gut über nur Deutsch sprechen. Ich versuche, aber es ist schwer. Ich bekomme zwei Briefen und ein Packette heute. Ich war nicht expecting ein Packett. A schickt es zu mich. Es hat zwei Hemd und viele kandis. Daß macht mir sehr Glüglick. Daß ist alles. Bis Morgen.

I’m going to HELL! I forgot to write yesterday. What’s the world coming to? I also forgot about Dad’s birthday, and A’s and about Mother’s Day next Sunday. I sent Dad a tie and a little note on Friday. Then yesterday I remembered that A’s b-day is tomorrow. I’m going to have to send a zipper tie to A like I did for Dad. If I would have brought a calendar, I would have remembered.

I think today I realized how important music is for me to be able to feel the Spirit. For me it is the quickest and easiest way. It is hard for me to recognize the Spirit during talks and things like that. Not impossible, though. I’m so hard hearted that the Spirit has to be very strong for me to be able to feel it. And I hate that. I wish I would be able to immediately tell when the Spirit is here by what I feel. I can usually tell by others, but not often by what I feel. My patriarchal blessing promised me a sensitivity to the promptings of the Spirit. I’ve prayed for it often. I guess not hard enough. I have faith, though, that I’ll be able to recognize it and follow it when I need to. My problem is that I don’t know what the Spirit does to me to tell me what to do. I recognize when it tells me things are true. I just have a feeling when I hear things I believe. The feeling means to me that what is being said is right. I just think that I should hear a real voice or see angels or something, even though I know that’s no the way it’ll be. I need to pray harder and more often about the way the Spirit will tell me the will of my Father. I often feel that my prayers are one way conversations. I know God hears and answers my prayers, but I want to hear Him. I want to see His perfect face and hear His loving voice reply when I pray. I want those things. But I don’t think it is the will of the Lord. I’ll just have faith.

I can’t wait to return to Heavenly Father and Jesus. I hate not being able to see them when I pray. I want them to hug me and tell me it’s OK, like they used to. I hate being away from them more than I hate being away from my earthly family. I feel like I don’t really know either of them anymore, because I can’t see, or hear them. I like looking at the pictures of Christ because they help me remember what He is like. My soul longs to see them, and I hope one day I can. I have faith that one day I will. It’s hard to believe in those you cannot see, but I do. Just like I know I have a family in Arizona. I know I have a Mother and Father and an Awesome Brother in Heaven. My soul is Heavensick. I long to feel the Spirit as strong as I have only once before. I wish I could always have the Spirit with me that strongly. I wish Heavenly Father and Jesus would visit me so I can know they are there, and not just hope and believe. I want it all now, not on the Lord’s timetable. I’ll just wait patiently for him to come. For I do know that; that he will come. I love you my God and my Savior.

Hopefully this will be the only time that I miss writing a day. Yesterday was just a pretty normal day, so not much to write about. We said good luck to Brother C. He is getting married tomorrow. We sang “God be with you till we meet again,” for the last song. It was cool.

Today of course was awesome, because it was P-Day. I had a good session in the temple. Also cool was I got a two and a half page letter from Mom. Lots of neat stuff going on while I’m gone. Something bad from the letter was that Charity nearly broke her arm.

I got a nice letter written to the family and one to Brian M, and one to Grandma and Grandpa Shepherd. I just need to write one to D and L now. I found out what I need to do to get my suits altered. On Monday I go to an office in the big building and ask them to take me to a tailor place so they can measure out how much to let out the hem. It shouldn’t cost all that much, and I really need them let out. I can’t stand how tight they are. I think I’ll also have them put an extra whatever on the bum, double the seat or whatever it’s called. Bis spater (until later).

My comp likes to sing, he has a funny voice.

Sister D taught us this afternoon, and it was AWESOME. The Sisters had left for some reason, so it was just the Elders and her. She asked us each why we came on a mission. We couldn’t give her a canned answer, either. I think I was able to finally express my feelings well. We all felt the Spirit so strongly, it was awesome. Sister D also was telling us how important it is to have the Spirit. The language doesn’t matter and neither do the skills. The only way the investigator is going to believe, is if they can feel the Spirit. She told us about a missionary who had all the discussions down pat, the skills perfect as well as the language. he was smooth. His companion couldn’t speak well at all. When the smooth missionary asked the ‘gator to be baptized he said yes, but not because the missionary was smooth, but because he could feel the love of the companion for him. The missionary’s words had nothing to do with it. The ‘gator said if a church teaches to love people like that he wants to be part of it. So the skill and words have nothing to do with it, it’s all the SPIRIT.

So then when we, Elder R and I, taught the 2nd discussion to Elder S, we did well, because we had the SPIRIT. I figured out that you ask questions, let them find the answers instead of me just reading out of the booklet. It was a totally awesome experience. I hope all of our discussions go that well.

The time is flying by. It’s been three weeks already. Only five more to go. I still have a whole TUN of stuff to learn.

Elder M is gone. Our substitute PM teacher was nice and she let us go outside to Elder M off. He and a few others just loaded up in a van, and then off they went to the airport. Elder M is an awesome missionary. His testimony is like a mountain, but unshakable. He’ll be awesome in Hamburg. Hopefully I’ll be able to see him a few times, at least, while in Hamburg, mission. It would be totally awesome if we could be companions. I would finally understand anything he would like to say. And I’d be able to reply auf Deutsch.

Elder S and his district left this morning, also, at 3:00 am. He was the most awesomest Elder I have yet to meet. He set such a great example. He was A.P. the whole time he was here that I was also. Rather, he was A.P. when I got here. Anyhow, he was always happy and always greeted everyone. He also shared his great testimony with us often. He will be a great man in the Church one of these days. He would also tell us that we were awesome and that he loved us. He truly followed Christ’s example. He and Elder M are two more people I can look up to for examples on how to live happy and righteously. I hope I can live up to the examples of all these great men that I have as role models and heroes. Most of all I hope and pray to be able to live as my greatest hero did, perfectly. Christ is my ultimate example and friend. I love him tons, and he loves me more. May we all strive to live as he did!

Today went well. I think it was because we didn’t learn any German today. In all three classes we did Spiritual things. We had an LGM this morning also. It was all about getting the members participation in teaching and finding new investigators. The whole day seemed to stress how important members are to missionary work. We had Sister D for our afternoon teacher. She is so awesome. We’re trying to get her for our evening teacher since we don’t have one. We’d have the awesomest line up of teachers if we could get her. In the morning we have Brother S. He’s a great German teacher. He also does well in the Spiritual Department. Brother C is our afternoon teacher. He is about the awesomest at bringing the Spirit to our class. I like him and Brother S a lot. We did have Brother K for our evening teacher, but he got a job with the FBI for the summer, so he won’t be our teacher anymore. But he was cool when he was our teacher. Like I said before, hopefully we’ll get Sister D as our evening teacher. We haven’t met the guy who is supposed to be. The “General” was our teacher again tonight. It seemed a lot better tonight. I don’t think I would mind all that much if he became our evening teacher. It would set some order to our district. We tend no to mess around in his class. I think it would balance all the messing around that we do in all the other classes.

Also today we did follow up from the first discussion from last week. Elder R and I did terrible. At least I thought so. We’ll get better though. Elder S and his band and Elder M leave tomorrow. More on next page…

Today went well. I played the opening song in priesthood. We didn’t have a closing song or else I would have played it. We went to all our meetings and one of us was always late. Not for all of them, just most of them. We had an awesome fireside. President B spoke about having our own personal Liahona. It was really good, especially because of the stories he tells. Sister B’s talk was about prayer. It was good also. I think as a district, the Elders mostly, we need to work on punctuality. Yesterday we were all late for evening class, the Elders that is. And the teacher, he was substituting, was a real jerk to us. After he finished lecturing us though, we had a pretty good class. I wish the Elders would act a little more mature. It seems that every conversation turns to girls and the kissing and what not of them. Maybe they’ll grow out of it.

Elder J and Elder K got Elder S and his comp Elder P back today. They short sheeted them and wetted their sheets during Personal study time tonight. They also put paper towels in their suit coats. That probably threw them off the track, because, as of now we don’t know if it worked or not. They found out about the paper towels quick, but didn’t say anything about the sheets, so we don’t know. The whole of today went pretty well. Elder M finally got two letters today. One from his parents, the other from his girlfriend.

This morning we went to the Temple at 5:30 in the morning. It was hard to stay awake, but was a neat experience. Right after that, 8:00, we had a song practice for the Conference. We were there till 12:30. It was so awesome. There were 3 Apostles there, with Pres. Hinckley in his office. Our song, “The Spirit of God”, was awesome. I could really feel the power of the Spirit during the song. After that we had lunch and then we did some sleeping and stuff. I also got a letter from A and H. That really made me happy. After Elder R and I got our heads shaved, not really but almost, we ate a quick dinner. Then we were off to class, where we just screwed around, because there was no teacher. But worst of all, Elder G left for home.